Failure, with an option to buy.
A lot of people ask what changed. Apart from generally everything in my life, nothing. Almost everything in my life has been uprooted, changed, attacked, and ruined. What used to be constants, are simply no more. None of that even affected me. That's the strange part, at least for me it is. I wondered how I would take the acceptance of bad news and I've found out I accept it just fine. What I thought were backup plans, turns out they never existed in the first place. Those reassurances? They were never real. They usually never are, we just fool ourselves into accepting some kind insurance policy that we know doesn't even exist.
No, none of that mattered. What happened was being close to death with an illness caused me to stop holding back, to stop hiding what was already there. I'd usually make quiet jokes, have a laugh or two to myself, rarely sharing or participating with others. Always waiting for the right circumstances to, 'jump in'. Well, that never happened. When it did, I fell short, or found reasons why I wasn't in such a great mood to respond overwhelming. I would concentrate on the details. That's what that expression means. If you look closely, you miss out on the bigger picture and that's usually the reality of the situation. No one pays attention to those details except Mister and Misses Retrospect. Even then, they only see the details they wish to, never truly able to see anything intended in the first place.
So I stopped holding back. Life really is too short to sit around and wait for the right moment to start living life. If you are unable to do something? Well, you should put it aside, move on, or just accept failure. It is a waste of time to attempt to address the issue during another time. It happens for a reason and failure doesn't mean the end. Failure is a normal part of life. Each and every winner has hundreds of thousands of failures. It's just not as bad of a thing as it used to be. Failing is part of the way we learn things. Even so, no matter how hard we deem something a failure, it still won't change the fact it exists in the first place.
Hopefully it's not too late to really enjoy life to the fullest. I feel like I'm right on time. Mistakes and all, they were meant to be made. I was meant to fail, it feels fine. It doesn't make up who I am, I can still fix things, enjoy music and movies, enjoy games, having fun times, and nothing in my life is impeded because I didn't live up to someone's expectations.