What Happened?

What happened to good ol’ Stephen?

Well, the recent health incident brought to light important information that is integral to my quest for knowledge. It also was a real trying time for me personally. Becoming ill is something I’m both used to, and well equipped to handle. Earlier in my life, I had made several bad decisions that led me to take a different path. One of those bad decisions was choosing to let a tooth infection clear up on its own. This led to me becoming bedridden (kind of) for quite some time. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t healing on my own for a while. One day, fed up with life and the way things were going, I quite literally leaped out of bed, put on some shoes and started jogging and exercising until I couldn’t stand. This allowed me to heal and become back to normal. Since then, I have not had any issues hardly. Occasionally I won’t feel well. I’d get sick or suffer from some type of flu or common cold, but it would only last for a few short hours and I was upset at even that slight inconvenience.

Now, things are different. Not only has the incident caused our supply lines to fade slightly and other issues to arise, but there are unforeseen consequences that because of the great American spirit bleeds over into our work and we tend to fix other issues on top of our daily jobs. We tend to have ‘hidden’ jobs that are also very important that come with the territory. Personally, I have a ton of those ;)

The incident caused quite the disruption in my life and gladly so. I’m not advocating for the incident to have occurred, nor am I happy that it did. It really wrecked my life and I’m quite distraught still. However, I found the good in all this. I was going through life, totally unaware of how someone could become upset or ill tempered the whole time I myself was going around with these very same feelings. I thought I was the only one who had these feelings and that they were such strong feelings that no one else could possibly have them as well. I also went around feeling like it was okay to have these thoughts and emotions because I did not act on them. Which it is okay to have them. It’s normal to have these feelings when something is wrong. But it’s not okay that something is wrong. That’s the part I wasn’t separating.

I came close to death.. again. Yes, I’ve had quite the stressors from death quite often in my life. Close calls, all kinds of stuff. There was always this voice that said, “next step, death.” both in a whisper and a roaring shout at times before I crossed the line too far. If you know me, you know I’ve probably had at least one near death experience around you.

It’s that Hollywood magic. I went through life thinking I had time. I went through life assuming it would just be okay, it would be fine all of the sudden a magic would happen and undo all the wrongs in the world. I really believed I had time and the ability to change things for the better. Not only change things myself, but experience them change. I always believed something amazing would happen for me if I just did the right thing as best I could and stayed true to what I truly believed. It did. It payed off. To anyone else going through it, I don’t want to reveal the ending nor do I want to provide false hope to those who may not experience it. However, it didn’t end the way I thought it would.

Making the right decisions all these years, for instance not turning to the dark side, or not giving into just any whim and throwing my life to the wind really had an impact. I had a gut feeling that told me I wasn’t ready to face some issues that I had been having. The timing just wasn’t right. I was still getting angry at things, I would just erupt for the fun of it. Getting into fights online was getting boring and old. Everything turned really dark and unusual. I had been making so much progress on myself, I couldn’t figure out why. It was then that I started noticing I didn’t have the confidence I needed and I usually had in my youth, in my past, and on my good days. Something was wrong and I couldn’t see it. I would constantly analyze myself. Constantly searching for answers. If I saw something that would make me recoil, or something that I had bias about, I would watch it. I would just watch documentaries, and watch old TV shows trying to get a feel for the world around me as it was presented to me in full 4k beautiful colors, stunning sound. I was constantly learning.

Each time I would have a strange emotion, I would explore it instead of just tossing it aside as garbage. I have a tenancy to share thoughts and experiences as they happen around people. This would lead to them telling me not to talk about it. I would equate that with having those emotions are bad to share with other people. Meanwhile, it was just meant for me to experience these things silently. What it did, was lead to me having a hang up that I wasn’t even aware of. No one put this hangup here on purpose, it just happened. If you ever wonder what would happen if… don’t hurt yourself. I’ll tell you right now it’s no fun, strange things happen all the time and the outcome is usually just hardship and issues to work over. For instance, what would happen if someone’s ability to gauge their own abilities were compromised? Nothing, its just a hard time. No witches brew kind of stuff ever succeeds or lasts if it actually manages to appear. It merely artifacts then fizzles out every single time.

It led me to experience things that I had previously chose to just skip past. I would just skip past these emotions and wonder why my life was so empty. I’m glad. These emotions were hard to deal with and lots of pain and anger were caused. I recently stopped smoking nicotine as well.

All my life, every time I had an issue, I would simply light up a cigarette, or hit a vape as of more recently. I smoked in excess. I knew it at the time, I knew it the whole time smoking. Had hemp been around, it would have been a different game for all of us. That’s life. We have tons of bonus features that the previous guys didn’t. Our predecessors will have the same. Each time I would take that hit of nicotine, I would avoid the issue. I would change my support system to avoidance instead of confrontation. Sometimes we need to. We don’t have that support system. We don’t have the tools we need. We have someone in our life that has the ability to destroy or hurt us just because they feel like it. Sometimes these things need to happen, or these people need to go away for us to be able to confront our issues completely. A lot of times, I can see it, people bring up ghosts in one another. You see someone and you fall right into that old path here and there of who you are as a person. What the heck is that stuff? Why do we all go through it? I’m glad we are not alone in all this as a dry mundane task to be completed.

I’ve never quit smoking and said, no I don’t want a cigarette like now. I don’t. I could care less. That’s how it should be. I feel great. I feel terrible. I feel awful and awe struck. So many years, but I wouldn’t trade a thing.

I realized there isn’t unlimited time. There isn’t respawns and save points. Depression can only be felt and confronted, it can’t be avoided with any expectation of normalcy. Most importantly, time. Even though there isn’t unlimited time, we aren’t rushed. It may feel like that way. It may feel like nothing else is even possible, but I’m a strong believer that it’s never permanent unless you make it. If you really want to heal, even after 100 years, I believe it’s quite possible.

I was going through life just ignoring negative emotion avoiding it like it was a punishment. I was just experiencing the ups life had to offer and throwing them back in life’s face like, “YOU CAN’T HURT ME!”. Looking back on this I see that my reaction to situations and stressors at the time were merely an indication of a larger suppressive issue in my life I was unable to comprehend. This led to me acting out my issue in order to see what kind of responses I would get so that I may also use that response to beat my issue. I would see how other people reacted to me and use that reaction myself.

I just needed to confront my issues. That’s it. There isn’t unlimited time. When I was ready, the barriers came down. I feel terrible for being unable to respond to how others perceived me but there was simply no way I was able to even see.

There are always 3 sides to every story. Mine, theirs, and the truth. This reality is something I was simply blinding myself to. It’s a harsh reality and I guess my constructs couldn’t handle it at the time.

One thing is certain. I only pissed a bunch of people off temporarily as they reacted to me. That’s it. I never intentionally hurt anyone. Of course I spammed chat texts and maybe was rude and short and cussed and stuff, but never to cause any real damage. I can see now why people get like that. When they just freak out and crazy takes over. It’s pretty strange to realize it and see it. I get it now. I see that in others, in myself, and I don’t try to hide it or avoid it.

We aren’t our actions but we can choose to make them. It’s something so simple. Just don’t get upset. Don’t choose to go down that path. Don’t do it. When there is something telling you you can have everything you desire if you just do something you know is wrong, just don’t do it. When there is that voice in the back of your head that says go ahead and be the big shot at someone else’s expense. Don’t do it. You know it’s wrong, you aren’t the punisher, don’t do it. Don’t base your decisions on what the next person will do or won’t do or say. Stand firm in your conviction, and retract from that feeling of being number one through violence. We had a war. The winners aren’t necessarily number 1 in the world are they? So what does violence bring? Nothing good that’s for sure. If you aren’t fighting for something good, then what’s the point. You don’t have to fight for bad stuff.

Life is delicate already.

We must preserve our own delicate souls. They are delicate, anything that’s amazing and beautiful usually is. At least from the users perspective. To the outside world, it’s a force defying, reality creating, masterpiece that simply can’t be shaken. Feelings are meant to be ephemeral. They wouldn’t be feelings if they weren’t. Our souls are eternal. That feeling of accomplishment and pride won’t last as long as weight of your actions will against your eternal soul. There is no trading it. There is no ridding it.

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